Submarine

"Most people think of themselves as individuals. That there is no one on the planet like them. This thought motivates them to get out of bed, eat food, and walk around like nothings wrong. My name is Oliver Tate." 

“I spin around on the swivel chair and look up at the ceiling; Oliver being Oliver being Oliver being Oliver. I am suddenly aware of the separation between my-actual-self and myself-as-seen-by-others. Who would win in an arm wrestle? Who is better-looking? Who has the higher IQ?” 

"In my other recurring dream, I mentally rehearse the end scene. The one where its getting dark and I mistake a girl for Jordana. A girl with the exact same frame and the exact same hair. And when she turns around, I see her face is nothing like Jordana's. And she asks, 'Do I know you?', I look traumatized and say No. You don't know me... You don't know me at all."


“It is strange to hear your mother talk about being human because, honestly, it's too easy to forget.” 

"She's moderately unpopular which makes a romance between us 
more likely."


"I love you more than words. And I am a big fan of words."


“...I want to grab her collarbones as if they were handlebars.”

“I find that the only way to get through life is to picture myself in an entirely disconnected reality. I often imagine how people would react to my death. Mr Dunthorne's quavering voice as he makes the announcement. The shocked faces of my classmates. A playground bedecked with flowers. The empty stillness of a school corridor. Local news analysis. . . . The steady stoicism of my parents. . . . Candlelit vigils. . . . And finally, my glorious resurrection.” 


"My body has been replaced by a shell."
"My internal organs are made of stone."
"I have been dead for years."
"I stopped saying these things. The more I pretended to be a corpse the less open she became about issues of mental health."

"My mother is worried I have mental problems. I found a book about teenage paranoid delusions during a routine search of my parents' bedroom."

"In many ways, I prefer my own company." 


“Exercise II.

Write a diary, imagining that you are trying to make an old person jealous. I have written an example to get you started:

Dear Diary,
I spent the morning admiring my skin elasticity.
God alive, I feel supple.” 


“I took a photo of us, mid-embrace. When I am old and alone I will remember that I once held something truly beautiful.” 


“After that, we had a short conversation about how your body can sometimes seem totally separate. She said her body can feel like a distant bureaucracy controlled by telegrams from her brain, and I said my body is sometimes like that of Mario Mario, being controlled with a Nintendo joypad. Mario's surname is Mario.”


“Depression comes in bouts. Like boxing. Dad is in the blue corner.”


“I tell my parents I'm going out for pudding. They think this might be a nickname for heroin.Mum makes the international face for 'is there anything you want to tell me?' ” 


“One more word that may be useful in the heat of passion: dong. Dong sounds like someone very important has just arrived.” 

"I don't quite know what I am yet. I've tried smoking a pipe. Flipping coins, listening exclusively to french crooners, I've even had a brief hat phase but nothing stuck."


“I would never say snog. I would say osculate." She looks at me as if to say: why do you exist?” 

"Why else would she be at the hairdresser's with Graham the ninja? He probably makes sure all his prospective sex partners are salon-fresh before impregnating them with a ninja love child."

Oliver: "This is the moment where you leave him and come with me."

Jordana: "Is it?"

Oliver: "Yeah, are you coming?"

Jordana: "No."

"My Dear Americans, The film you are about to see is a biopic of my life. The events take place, not so long ago, in a proud land called Wales. Wales is next to England, a country you pretend to treat as an equal. My homeland has produced Catherine Zeta-Jones, Tom Jones and some other people. You have not yet invaded my country and for this I thank you. Submarine is an important film. Watch it with respect. Fond regards from your protagonist, Oliver Tate."

"My mum gave a handjob to a mystic."

“Ever since Jordana dumpled me, I've started feeling like a middle-aged person. I think it is to do with trauma. I just walk around doing and impression of a sixteen-year-old.”

“That's a big love letter," she says, squinting. I know what I'm going to say and for a moment I wish there was a film crew documenting my day-to-day life: "I've got a big heart," I say.” 

"Her new boyfriend has an incredibly long neck. Just thinking about giraffes makes me angry."

"Jordana hates any place that could be termed romantic. With this in mind, I took her to one of my favorite industrial estates, for some quality one-on-one time."

Jill: "So. How are things with Jordana?"

Oliver: "Fine."

Jill: "You ever going to let us meet her?"

Oliver: "I don't think so. Maybe if you get a terminal illness."

"Are we making a bomb?" 
"This is a trust exercise, like in drama," she says. 
"Are we making a bomb as a trust exercise?" 

"We sat down to have what might have been Jordana's mother's last Christmas dinner, which i hope it wasn't because the turkey was a bit dry and the sprouts were soggy and out of focus."

"He wasn't even considered hard until the Watkin twins famously stabbed him in the back with compasses. He said nothing; showed no discomfort as his shirt blossomed with blood poppies. His stoicism reminded me of the brave men who died in the First World War."

"Listen, look, i know you think I'm very boring, you know... but once i ripped my vest off in front of a woman, and err... it was very effective actually. It produced a very atavistic response." 

"Well, you know, I thought it would be nice to get some mutual interests... now that we've had sex... other than spitting and setting things on fire."

"Her mouth tasted of sour milk, Polo mints and Dunhill International."

"Jordana and I enjoyed an atavistic, glorious fortnight of lovemaking; humiliating teachers and bullying the weak. I have already turned these moments into the Super-8 footage of memory."

"Possible reasons: 1)Your fatally in love with me. 2)Best to do it before it's legal. 3)Bound to be disappointing. So why wait?"

“I don't know if I've come of age, but I'm certainly older now. I feel shrunken, as if there's a tiny ancient Oliver Tate inside me operating the levers of a life-size Oliver-shaped shell. A shell on which a decrepit picture show replays the same handful of images. Every night I come to the same place and wait till the sky catches up with my mood. The pattern is set. This is, no doubt, the end.”

"Here's to us and a wonderful evening of lovemaking."

“Thursday morning. I usually let my Mum wake me up but today I have set my alarm for seven. Even from under my duvet, I can hear it bleating on the other side of my room. I hid it inside my plastic crate for faulty joysticks so that I would have to get out of bed, walk across the room, yank it out of the box by its lead and, only then, jab the snooze button. This was a tactical manoeuvre by my previous self. He can be very cruel.” 

“The next thing Jordana says makes me realize that it's too late to save her.
"I've noticed that when you light a match, the flame is the same shape as a falling tear." 
She's been sensitized, turned gooey in the middle. I saw it happening and I didn't do anything to stop it. From now on, she'll be writing diaries and sometimes including little poems and she'll buy gifts for her favorite teachers and she'll admire the scenery and she'll watch the news and she'll buy soup for homeless people and she'll never burn my leg hair again.” 

“She whispers in my ear: ‘"Tell me that you wan' -- me hard, make me sweat." In the excitement, she misses out a word. "I want to -- you so hard that your body drips with sweat," I say, grammatically.” 

Oliver: "Ask me how deep the ocean is."

Jordana: "Shut up."

Oliver: "Come on, just ask me."

Jordana: "Why?"

Oliver: "'Cause I know the answer."Jordana: "Oh! Do you?"

Oliver: "Yes, I do."

Jordana: "How deep is the ocean?"

Oliver: "I'm not gonna say."

Jordana: "I'm brokenhearted."

Oliver: "The ocean is six miles deep."

Jordana: "Good."