Better Off Dead

"I want my two dollars!" - Johnny

"I'm going to race, I'm going to lose, and I'm going to die." - Lane

Monique: S"o you won't tell anyone?"

Lane: "What, that you're a Dodgers fan?"

"Wait this is death here. I haven't even been to New York City." - Lane

Yee Sook Ree: "Truly a sight to behold. A man beaten. The once great champ, now, a study in moppishness. No longer the victory hungry stallion we've raced so many times before, but a pathetic, washed up, aged ex-champion."

Lane: "Alright let's go!"

"Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn." - Charles De Mar

"This is pure snow! It's everywhere! Do you have any idea what the street value of this mountain is?" - Charles De Mar

"I gotta go, the Christmas tree is on fire." - Lane

"It's an awesome spectacle. An audacious display of seething opponents, once again parallel in an obstinent attempt to prove superiority of the roads unequaled in our lifetime. The crowds swell in anticipation as the light turns green!" - The Racers

"Listen Lane, I think we should talk. We've been seeing an awful lot of each other lately, and I really think it's in my best interest if I went out with someone more popular, better looking, drives a nicer car." - Beth

"No, it's ok. I was planning on having my nose flattened by a professional, anyway." - Lane

Lane: "Uh, hello?"

Monique: Ah, bonjour."

Lane: Monique, hi."

Monique: "Comment allez-vous?"

Lane: "No thanks, I already had breakfast."

Lane: "Johnny..."

Johnny: "Four weeks, twenty papers, that's two dollars. Plus tip."

Lane: "Gee Johnny, I don't have a dime."

Johnny: "Didn't ask for a dime. Two dollars."

Lane: "Well... it's funny see... my mom, had to leave early to take my brother to school and my dad to work cuz..."

Johnny: "...two dollars... cash."

Lane: "See... the problem here is that... my little brother, this morning, got his arm caught in the microwave, and uh... my grandmother dropped acid and she freaked out, and hijacked a school bus full of... penguins, so it's kind of a family crisis... so come back later? Great."

"For god's sake Lane, would you relax? It's just our virginity." - Beth

"And dying when you're not really sick is really sick, you know. Really!" - Charles De Mar

"Now that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that." - Tree trimmer

Monique: "I figured if we had nothing to say to each other he would get bored; go away. But instead he uses it as an excuse to put his testicles all over me."

Lane: "Excuse me?"

Monique: "You know, like octopus? Testicles?"

Lane: "Ohhhh. Tentacles. N-T. Tentacles; big Difference."

"One night with me and she'll probably go blind with ecstasy, poor creature. Gee I hope she doesn't grab onto my leg and start crying once the date's over, what would I do?" - Lane

"What's a little boy like you doing with big boy smut like this?" - Mailman

"Gee, I'm real sorry your mom blew up, Ricky." - Lane

"The K-12 dude. You make a gnarly run like that and girls will get sterile just looking at you." - Charles De Mar

"I got the recipe from a magazine. The mail got wet in the rain, so some of the pages ran together, but what I couldn't read I just... improvised with my own little... creative ideas.It's got raisins in it... you like raisins." - Jenny

"I've been going to this high school for seven and a half years. I'm no dummy. I know high school girls." - Charles De Mar

"She only speaks French, Roy. She doesn't speak imbecile." - Lane

Lane: "Her?"

Mrs. Smith: "Mm-hmm."

Lane: "And him?"

Mrs. Smith: "Mmmm-hm."

Lane: "That makes sense."

Lane: "I have great fear of tools. I once made a birdhouse in woodshop and the fair housing committee condemned it. I can't."

Monique: "I cannot do it" is your middle name."

"I think all you need is a small taste of success, and you will find it suits you." - Monique

Rocko: "You look pretty stupid to me."

Lane: "Thank you."

Roy Stalin: "You'd make a fine little helper. What's your name?"

Charles De Mar: "Charles De Mar."

Roy Stalin: "Shut up, geek."

Lane: "Look Charles, I gotta do this. If I don't, I'll be nothing. I'll end up like my neighbor Ricky Smith. He just sits around crocheting all day and snorting nasal spray."

Charles De Mar: "He snorts nasal spray? Know where I can score some?"

Lane: "ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME OR NOT?"

"Man, you're the hottest thing since sunburns!" - Charles De Mar

Jenny: "Hello Lane. How was your day?"

Lane: "Beth broke up with me."

Jenny: "Oh, heh, that's nice."

"I know its bacon... but what have you done to it?!" - Lane's Dad

"She doesn't date certain members of the basketball team: she dates the whole team!" - Beth

"I can see you and I share one common desire... The desire to be a part of the well-oiled machinery that is the Greendale High School ski racing team. The desire for victory. Now get up there and let's see what you've got." - Roy Stalin

"This just in, Lane Meyer will be racing Roy Stalin this Sunday at twelve noon." - School announcer

"Greendale is a bodaciously small town, Lane. A fly speck on the map - a rest stop on the way to the ski slope. I can't even get real drugs here!" - Charles De Mar

"Suicide is never the answer, little trooper." - Charles De Mar

Lane's Dad: "Hi Lane, how was your date?"

Lane: "They're out there Dad! They're after me!"

"Hey there, Lane. I know this is a little awkward me being a cartoon and all, I was just wondering how you'd feel if I took out Beth? - Barney Ruble

"Two brothers... One speaks no English, the other learned English from watching "The Wide World of Sports." So you tell me... Which is better, speaking no English at all, or speaking Howard Cosell?" - Lane

Charles De Mar: "Wait, wait a minute... Oh!.... OH! Ugh! Outrageous!... I think I just froze the left half of my brain! Look I can't move my right arm!"

Lane: "This isn't funny, Charles! If I don't have a dream, I have nothing!"

Charles De Mar: "Ah, come on! It's Christmas Eve! I could be home right now, drinking this monster eggnog my brother makes with lighter fluid."

"Buck up little camper, we'll beat that slope together." - Charles De Mar