Wilfred

Ryan: "I'm not crazy!"

Wilfred: "Said the man to the dog."

"Hanging out and smoking weed with your neighbor's dog. Talking about deep shit. Laughing our asses off. Going on crazy adventures. Having a truly unique and remarkable friendship." - Wilfred

"Isolation is a self-defeating dream." - Carlos Salinas de Gortari

"There's darkness everywhere, Ryan. You just can't see because the sun is such an attention whore." - Wilfred

Ryan: "I've seen Lost, Wilfred."

Wilfred: "What did you think of the ending?"

Ryan: "Why can't I get a straight answer out of you?"

Wilfred: "Come on, Ryan. These are big existential questions, best left for boring Russian novelist and teenagers on acid. Real people don't think about this shit."

"Everything has to do with Everything, Ryan."- Wilfred

"Don't worry, I ain't gonna bite you. I can smell your fear like I can smell the sour milk in your fridge. I'm seven years old, and too wise for lies. " - Wilfred

"The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable." - James A. Garfield

Ryan: "I would never.."

Wilfred: "Never what? Shit in your neighbor's boot? Have sex with a stuffed giraffe in front of a small child? You'd be surprised what we're capable of once we put our mind to it."

Ryan: Our mind?"

“You ripped the horn off the unicorn, Ryan, because you wanted it to be a normal horse. But it’ll never be a normal horse because now there’s that circular scab on its forehead.” 

-Wilfred

"So when Jenna leaves the house and I can't see her anymore, she doesn't cease to exist, she's just somewhere else? No, no, no, no. That's just crazy." - Wilfred

Ryan: "There's something I need to tell you."

Jenna: "I know, we were both fragile and caught up in the emotion."

Ryan: "No. I love you. I always have. And if you don't feel the same, that's okay."

Jenna: "I do feel the same. And I know I've hurt you in the past, but that's not gonna happen this time. I know what I want now."

"Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination." - Mark Twain

"Shame is like having a daughter with red hair and freckles; you cannot let it become part of your life!" - Wilfred

"It's anxiety. Jenna's been away too long. She's a goner, I'm sure of it. She's probably choked on piece of lego or something" - Wilfred

"When was the last time you ever felt this good? It's called living, mate. Trust your instincts. No more doubt. No fear. Welcome to your new life." - Wilfred

"Trust thyself only, and another shall not betray thee." - Thomas Fuller

"Fear has its uses but cowardice has none." - Mahatma Ghandi

Wilfred: "That motorcycle dick is ruining the neighborhood. You need to put that asshole in his place."

Ryan: "What's the point of a confrontation? I'd just get my ass kicked."

Wilfred: "So what? That'd be less painful than walking around in constant fear."

Ryan: "What would you suggest I do?"

Wilfred: "March over there, look him straight in the eyes, and say, "I'm the man who shat in your boot." And bend him over and root him right up the ass."

Ryan: "You want me to have sex with him?"

Wilfred: "It's called domination. That's how dogs handle it and, believe me, it's very effective."

Ryan:  "And have you done this with another dog?"

Wilfred: "Every goddamn day."

Ryan: "I can't imagine a scenario in which I would do something like that."

Wilfred:  "Well, then you have no imagination."

Ryan: "If only that were true."

“Are you high? Cause you need to be!” - Wilfred

"I don't know, Ryan. Why is the sky grey? Why is the grass grey? Why is a rainbow grey, grey, grey, grey, grey and infra-grey?" - Wilfred

"Happiness can exist only in acceptance." - George Orwell

Wilfred: "You're breaking up the band. I can't believe it!"

Ryan: "Calm down!"

Wilfred: "Yeah, that's what John Lennon said before he ran off and got nude with that Asian bitch!"

Ryan: "Don't be racist."

Wilfred: "How can I be racist? I'm incapable of seeing color."

"Ryan, you're buried under a box of secrets with a talking dog in a basement that may not even exist." - Wilfred

"Seek respect mainly from thyself, for it comes first from within." - Steven H. Coogler

Wilfred: "Come on, mate. Give us a bit of that gouda I'm smelling."

Ryan: "Wilfred, no, you can't have cheese."

Wilfred: "Well what am I supposed to eat? The grass down here tastes like shit... and the shit tastes like grass!"

Nurse: "That dog needs to go back where it came from."

Wilfred: "Why don't you go back where you came from?! Right over there, where you were standing, before you came over here."

"Woah! You said we were going for a walk. A walk, Ryan - which by definition means 'no destination'! Even a cat knows that." - Wilfred

"Conscience is the dog that can't bite, but never stops barking." - Proverb

Ryan: "What is the one thing that Jenna hates most about Drew."

Wilfred: "The vaginal tearing from his huge cock."

Ryan: "I'm returning the cats. There's no reason to keep them."

Wilfred: "Dude, I was literally just about to kill them."

“Happiness is hard to find. Real, true happiness. We got to try taking risks without second guessing yourself or worrying about the consequences. Otherwise, you’ll never really know” - Ryan

Ryan: "Behold... The instrument of Drew's destruction. Bzzmm... My ping pong paddle from when I was all state table tennis champion."

Wilfred: "So, chemistry, baking and ping pong. I guess my only question is, why were you not blowjobbed to death by the entire cheerleading squad?"

"In general, pride is at the bottom of all great mistakes." - Steven H. Coogler

Wilfred: "I don't know, Ryan. Sometimes I get the feeling that maybe Bear isn't the one."

Ryan: "Maybe you need to spice things up. Take Bear to a nice restaurant."

"Anger as soon as fed is dead -- tis starving makes it fat." - Emily Dickinson

"Sneakers is no one huh? Do you usually buy priceless jewelry for no one? Imitation, colored glass. Plastic painted to look like metal. This isn't some cheap made in China knock-off. This is made in Taiwan. You bastard! Keeping another dog on the side are ya?" - Wilfred

"Ryan, anger is like herpes. You're not meant to keep it to yourself." - Wilfred

"Ryan, remember when I told you a few weeks ago that you are a total pussy? Well I just wanted to apologize for not emphasizing that enough." - Wilfred

"Make no judgements where you have no compassion." - Anne McCaffrey

Ryan: "You son of a bitch!"

Wilfred: "How is that an insult? I've never understood that."

"For a guy who once tried to kill himself, you don't have a whole lot of compassion." - Wilfred

"My friend, I feel great shame for accusing you unjustly. I will not sleep well tonight, but tomorrow during the day I'll take a long nap." - Mr. Patel

Ryan: "Wilfred... This thing we have. The way we communicate. Have you ever had this sort of relationship with anyone else?"

Wilfred: "Why do you ask?"

Ryan: "Have you?"

Wilfred: "It happened once before. I was at a party. And this guy looked right at me and said: "Hey! What's up, dog? I see you. And I know what you're up to." And I said, "well, I see you too. If you got something to say, say it." Turns out he was talking to the guy right behind me, who had been banging his wife. Ryan, please tell me there's not been a guy standing right behind me ever since we've met?"

Ryan: "So nobody else?"

Wilfred: "You're one of a kind, Ryan."

"Your face is the saddle Jenna's been giddy-upping on?" - Wilfred

Ryan: "I really think I'm gonna be alright."

Wilfred: "Of course you are. I'm not going anywhere."

Bruce: "You convinced me to make out with my own father."

Wilfred: "Everybody at the party loved it. They thought it was edgy."

"Wilfred ruined my life, and you know what? You're next." - Bruce

 "What did you do with my hair? I distinctly remember leaving it right here, all over the place." - Wilfred

Jenna: "Wilfred pooped on your lawn."

Wilfred: "There is symbolism in that poop Ryan...and some grass...and half a slipper."

Wilfred: "Are you sure you want to know?"

Ryan: "Yes. Is this a joke?"

Wilfred: "It's not. Ryan, remember the night before we met, the pills you took?"

Ryan: "Yes."

Wilfred: "They worked mate."

Wilfred: "I'm sorry Ryan. They worked. Must have noticed things here are, different. Shit's a little off. Right?"

Ryan: "Am I...?"

Wilfred: "No. You're somewhere in between. Your future depends on the outcome of that settlement, meeting, tomorrow. If Jenna gets her job back, you get to move on."

Ryan: "So none of this is really happening?"

Wilfred: "Everything on the island is real, the rest is an illusion."

Ryan: "What island?"

Wilfred: "Ah, forget that last bit."

Ryan: "Wilfred!"

"I hope you're proud of yourself Ryan. I'm gonna be up all night licking Jenna's tears. Do you know what all that sodium's gonna do to my blood pressure?" - Wilfred

"Discontent is the first necessity of progress." - Thomas Edison

Wilfred: "Do you know why dogs dig?"

Ryan: "Because they're searching for bones?"

Wilfred: "Because we're searching for truth."

 "Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go." - Herman Hesse

"You know what, I don't get it. I've calculated my facial proportions and I'm 94% symmetrical, which according to the index is borderline hot. And I dressed up this boring old lab coat with a quirky Japanese robot pin, so you know I'm fun. And everyone in the office already knows I am a total sex addict." - Amanda

"Those idiots wouldn't know adorable if it cornered them in a holding cell and raped them with a plunger handle. That reminds me; Bear could you pick up a plunger before our next date night?" - Wilfred

"Resistance is useless." - Dr. Who

Jeremy: "Tomorrow. Possible?"

Wilfred: "You, not being a d**k. Possible?"

“Mrs. Newman is my slave name. You can call me Catherine.” - Catherine Newman

Ryan: "I'm the worst brother ever."

Wilfred: "Worst brother ever? Did you ever convince the other siblings in your litter to eat your own sister because she was born with no eyes? Cause I did that."

Wilfred: "There's a war out there, Ryan, a war between dogs and babies...and you brought it to our door step."

Ryan: "You're at war with babies? Over what?"

Wilfred: "Why do any great civilizations go to war? To see who's cutest."

"Be here now." - Ram Dass

"Warner's gonna join us whenever he feels like it. That's one of the things about being rich; you get to treat everybody else like shit. I can't wait." - Kevin

"The master understands that the universe is forever out of control." - Lao Tzu

"Stay out of this squish tits!" - Amanda

Ryan: "Whoever lives in Sacramento probably owned you as a puppy, which means we can prove you were actually born. Therefore, I'm crazy."

Wilfred: "If you really think you're crazy, then why do you feel the need to prove it to me?"

Ryan: "Maybe you're the part of my brain that's so crazy it wouldn't allow me to accept that I'm crazy."

Wilfred: "Ugh, you're so crazy."

"The mistake is thinking that there can be an antidote to the uncertainty." - David Levithan

“Ryan, anger is like herpes. You’re not meant to keep it to yourself.” - Wilfred

Wilfred: "You and Jenna had sex, I know. I can smell her all over you."

Ryan: "Are you okay with that?"

Wilfred: "Just tell me one thing. Did it happen before or after you found out I was dying?"

Ryan: "So you know."

Wilfred: "I was pretty sure. Just had a feeling."

Ryan: "Wilfred, I'm so sorry."

Wilfred: "Just answer my question. Before or after?"

Ryan: "Well, after, but it's not how it sounds. We were just so upset about you, and we... It just happened. Please don't be mad."

Wilfred: "[laughing] "Mad"? I'm not mad."

Ryan: "I don't understand."

Wilfred: "I've brought you and Jenna together. I led you to happiness. Don't you see? This proves it. Now I know for sure. I am a god."

"Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them."—Leo Tolstoy

"Without you I have no purpose. I'm nothing. It's like I don't even exist." - Wilfred

Wilfred: "You're not crazier than anybody else."

Ryan: "Said the dog to the man."