Heathers

"I like it. It's got that what-a-cruel-world-let's-toss-ourselves-in-the-abyss type ambience." - J.D.

"Dear Diary, my teen-angst bullshit now has a body count." - Veronica

"People will look at the ashes of Westerburg and say, "Now there's a school that self-destructed, not because society didn't care, but because the school was society." Now that's deep." - J.D.

Heather Duke: "Veronica, you look like hell."

Veronica Sawyer: "Yeah? I just got back."

"Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling." - J.D.

"If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being. You'd be a game-show host." - Veronica

Heather McNamara: "Suicide is a private thing."

Veronica: "You're throwing your life away to become a statistic on U. S. --ing A. Today; that's about the least private thing I can think of."

"The extreme always seems to make an impression." - J.D.

Veronica: "I just killed my best friend."

J.D.: "And your worst enemy."

Veronica: "Same difference."

"Well, -- me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Teresa?" - Heather Chandler

J.D.: "Greetings and salutations... you a Heather?"

Veronica: "No, I'm a Veronica... Sawyer."

Veronica: This may seem like a really stupid question...

J.D.: There are no stupid questions.

Veronica: "You inherit 5 million dollars the same day aliens land on the earth and say they're going to blow it up in 2 days. What do you do?"

J.D.: "That's the stupidest question I've ever heard."

Kurt's Dad: "My son's a homosexual, and I love him. I love my dead gay son."

J.D.: "Wonder how he'd react if his son had a limp wrist with a pulse."

"Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, and Ram a brain. I don't know what it's given me, but I have no control over myself when I'm with J.D. Are we going to prom or to hell?" - Veronica

"When teenagers complain that they want to be treated like human beings, it's usually because they are being treated like human beings." -Veronica's Mom

"Dear Diary: Heather told me she teaches people "real life." She said, real life sucks losers dry. You want to -- with the eagles, you have to learn to fly. I said, so, you teach people how to spread their wings and fly? She said, yes. I said, you're beautiful." - Veronica

Veronica: You're a rebel? You think you're a rebel? You're not a rebel you're --ing psychotic!" - Veronica

Heather Duke: I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times and I felt bad everytime I did it but I kept doing it anyway. Now I know you understood everything. Praise Jesus, Hallelujah." - Heather Duke

Ram Sweeney: "You gonna eat this?"

Kurt Kelly: "What did your boyfriend say when you told 'im you were movin' to Sherwood, Ohio?"

Ram Sweeney: "Answer him, dick!"

Kurt Kelly: "Hey Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a "No Fags Allowed" rule?"

J.D.: "Well they, uh, seem to have an open door policy for assholes though, don't they?"

Kurt Kelly: "What did you say, dickhead?"

J.D.: "I'll repeat myself."[He shoots Kurt and Ram]

Veronica: "Hey, Martha. My date for the prom kinda flaked out on me. I was wondering, If you weren't doing anything that night, maybe we could rent some new releases and pop some popcorn."

Martha: "I'd like that."

Veronica: "Yeah. Me too."

Veronica: "All we want is to be treated like human beings, not to be experimented on like guinea pigs or patronized like bunny rabbits."

Veronica's Dad: "I don't patronize bunny rabbits."

J.D.: "Wanna go out tonight? Catch a movie? Miniature golf?"

Veronica: "I was thinking more along the lines of slitting Heather Duke's wrists open, making it look like suicide."

J.D.: "Ah, now you're talking. I can be up for that. I've already started underlining meaningful passages in her copy of Moby Dick, if you know what I mean."

"Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make."

 - Pauline Fleming

Veronica: It's one thing to want someone out of your life, but it's another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer." - Veronica

J.D.: "Is your life perfect?"

Veronica: "I'm on my way to a party at Remington University... No, my life's not perfect. I don't really like my friends."

J.D.: "I... I don't really like your friends either."

Veronica: "Well, it's just like - they're people I work with, and our job is being popular and shit."

J.D.: "Maybe it's time to take a vacation."

"Betty Finn was a true friend and I sold her out for a bunch of Swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads. Killing Heather would be like offing the wicked witch of the west... wait east. West! God! I sound like a --ing psycho." - Veronica

"Your society nods its head at any horror the American teenager can think to bring upon itself." - J.D.

"I say we just grow up, be adults and die." - Veronica

"The only place different social types can genuinely get along with each other is in heaven."- J.D.

"She's my best friend. God, I hate her." - Veronica

Veronica: "That knife is filthy."

J.D.: "What do you think I'm going to do with it, take out her tonsils?"

Veronica: "Excuse me, I think I know Heather a little bit better than you do. If she were going to slit her wrists, the knife would be spotless."

Veronica: "You know, I have a little prepared speech I tell my suitor when he wants more than I'd like to give him. Gee, blank, I had a really nice..."

Brad: "Save the speeches for Malcolm X, I just want to get laid."

Veronica: "You don't deserve my --ing speech."

Veronica: "If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?"

Heather McNamara: "Probably."

Officer Milner: "So, what's the deal?"

Officer McCord: "Suicide. Double suicide. They shot each other!"

Officer Milner: "Hey, that's Kurt Kelly!"

Officer McCord: "And the line backer, Ram Sweeney."

Officer Milner: "My God, suicide. Why?"

Officer McCord: "Does this answer your question?"

Officer Milner: "Oh man! They were fags?"

Officer McCord: "Listen up: We realized we could never reveal our forbidden love to an uncaring and un-understanding world."

Officer Milner: :Jesus H. Christ!"

Officer McCord: "The quarterback, buggering the linebacker... What a waste."

Officer Milner: "Oh, the humanity!"

Veronica: "Hello, Heather."

Heather Chandler: "Veronica. Finally. I got a note of Kurt Kelly's. I need you to forge a hot and horny but realistically low-key note in Kurt's handwriting, and we'll slip it onto Martha Dumptruck's lunch tray."

Veronica: "Shit, Heather, I don't have anything against Martha Dunnstock."

Heather Chandler: "You don't have anything for her either. Come on, it'll be very. The note'll give her shower-nozzle masturbation material for weeks."

Veronica: "I'll think about it."

Heather Chandler: "Don't think."

"Our love is God, let's go get a Slushie." - J.D.

"I can't believe you did it. I was teasing. I loved you. Course, I was coming up here to kill ya..." 

- J.D.

"Did you hear? School's canceled today cause Kurt & Ram killed themselves in a repressed, homosexual, suicide pact." - Student

"Let's pretend I blew up the school... all the schools. Now that you're dead, what are you gonna do with your life?" - J.D.

"Hi, I'm sorry. Technically, I did not kill Heather Chandler, but hey who am I trying to kid, right? I just want my high school to be a nicer place. Amen. Did that sound bitchy?" - Veronica

Heather Chandler: "Is this turnout weak or what? I had at least 70 more people at my funeral."

Veronica: "Heather?"

Heather Chandler: "God, Veronica. My afterlife is so boring. I have to sing Kumbaya one more time..."

Veronica: "What are you doing here?"

Heather Chandler: "I made your favorite. Spaghetti. With lots of oregano. Dinner!"

Heather McNamara: "God, aren't they fed yet? Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa?"

Veronica: "Oh, sure. Pilgrims, Indians... Tator Tots. It's a real party continent."

"Tomorrow, I'll be kissing her aerobicized ass, but tonight, let me dream of a world without Heather, a world where I am free." - Veronica

"Mmm. I thank you. That was my first game of strip croquet." - J.D.

"My parents wanted to move me into high school out of the sixth grade, but we decided to chuck the idea because I'd have trouble making friends, blah, blah, blah. Now blah, blah, blah is all I ever do. I use my grand IQ to decide what color lip gloss to wear in the morning and how to hit three keggers before curfew..." - Veronica

"Great pate, mom, but I gotta motor if I wanna be ready for that party tonight." - Veronica

"It's so great to be able to talk to a girl and not have to ask "What's your major?". I hate that... So, when you go to college, what subjects do you think you'll study?" - Brad

"Dear Lord, please make sure this never happens to me because I don't think I could handle suicide. Fast, early acceptance into an Ivy League school and please let it be Harvard. Amen." - Peter

Dennis: "I'm not belittleing the foodless fund, Peter, but we're talking teen suicide, here. I mean ask Alison; the number one song in America today is Teenage Suicide, Don't Do It by Big Fun. Jesus, man, Westerburg finally got one of these things and I'm not gonna blow it."

Peter: "Great, so Heather gets the front page and I get crammed in by the Taco Bell coupon."