The Royal Tenenbaums

"All memory of the brilliance of the young Tenenbaums had been erased by two decades of betrayal, failure and disaster." - Narrator

Raleigh: "Are you ever coming home?"

Margot: "Maybe not."

Raleigh: "You're joking."

Margot: "No."

Raleigh: "Well, I want to die."

"I didn't think so much of him at first. But now I get it, he's everything that I'm not." - Royal

Royal: "You're two-timing him with that bloodsucker Eli Cash. Now, that's just not right, dammit. You used to be a genius."

Margot: "No, I didn't."

Royal: "Anyway, that's what they used to say."

Henry Sherman: "I just wanted to apologize for the other day, when I proposed to you."

Ethel: "Why? I thought it was very sweet."

"Hell of a damn grave. Wish it were mine." - Royal

"I'm going to kill myself tomorrow." - Richie

"Among the few possessions he left to his heirs was a set of Encyclopedia Britannica in storage at the Lindbergh Palace Hotel under the names Ari and Uzi Tenenbaum. No-one spoke at the funeral, and Father Petersen's leg had not yet mended, but it was agreed among them that Royal would have found the event to be most satisfactory." - Narrator

Richie: "You dropped some cigarettes."

Margot: "Those aren't mine."

Richie: "They just fell out of your pocket."

Ethel: "How long have you been a smoker?"

Margot: "22 years."

Ethel: "Well, I think you should quit."

Eli: "I'm not in love with you any more."

Margot: "I didn't know you ever were."

Eli: "Let's not make this any more difficult than it already is."

Margot: "OK."

Eli: "OK, what?"

Margot: "OK, I'm not in love with you either."

Eli: "Yes, I know, you're in love with Richie. Which is sick and gross."

"Anybody interested in grabbing a couple of burgers and hittin' the cemetery?" - Royal

Royal: "He saved my life, you know. Thirty years ago. I was knifed at a bazaar in Calcutta, and he carried me to the hospital on his back."

Ari: "Who stabbed you?"

[Royal motions to Pagoda again]

Royal: "He did. There was a price on my head, and he was a hired assassin. Stuck me in the gut with a shiv."

Chas: "Why did you try to kill yourself?"

Ethel: "Don't press him right now."

Richie: "I wrote a suicide note."

Chas: "You did?"

Richie: "Yeah. Right after I regained consciousness."

Chas: "Can we read it?"

Richie: "No."

Chas: "Can you paraphrase it for us?"

Richie: "I don't think so."

Chas: "Is it dark?"

Richie: "Of course it's dark, it's a suicide note."

"I think we're just gonna to have to be secretly in love with each other and leave it at that, Richie." - Margot

"I'm very sorry for your loss. Your mother was a terribly attractive woman." - Royal

Eli: "I always wanted to be a Tenenbaum, you know?"

Royal: "Me too. Me too."

Eli: "It doesn't mean what it used to though, does it?"

Young Chas: "Well, what'd you think, Dad?"

Royal: "Didn't seem believable to me."

Royal: "Why are you wearing pajamas? Do you live here?"

Young Richie: "He has permission to sleep over."

Young Chas: "Well, did you at least think the characters were well developed?"

Royal: "What characters? This is a bunch of little kids dressed up in animal costumes."

Young Margot: "Good night, everyone."

Royal: "Well, sweetie, don't be mad at me. That's just one man's opinion."

Narrator: "He had not been invited to any of their parties since."

"That cab has a dent in it." - Dudley

Eli: "I wish you'd've done this for me when I was a kid."

Richie: "But you didn't have a drug problem then."

Eli: "Yeah, but it still would've meant a lot to me."

"Let's shag ass." - Royal

Medical Student: "Can the boy tell time?"

Raleigh: "Oh, my Lord, no."

Royal: "Look, I know I'm going to be the bad guy on this one, but I just want to say the last six days have been the best six days of probably my whole life."

Narrator: "Immediately after making this statement, Royal realized that it was true."

Royal: "Can we get somebody over here to kill these mice for us?"

Margot: "No. They belong to Chas. Or anyway he invented them."

Royal: "Get him to stick them in a f***ing cage or something."

Margot: "Do you send my mother your clippings and your grades from college?"

Eli: "Please stop belittling me. You never gave me the time of day til I started getting good reviews."

Margot: "Your reviews aren't that good."

Eli: "But the sales are."

"Well, everyone knows Custer died at Little Bighorn. What this book presupposes is... maybe he

didn't." - Eli

"The crickets and the rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket. "Vámonos, amigos," he whispered, and threw the busted leather flintcraw over the loose weave of the saddlecock. And they rode on in the friscalating dusklight." - Eli

Raleigh: "You don't love me any more, do you?"

Margot: "I do, kind of. I can't explain it right now."

Royal: "I've always been considered an asshole for about as long as I can remember. That's just my style. But I'd really feel blue if I didn't think you were going to forgive me."

Henry Sherman: "I don't think you're an asshole, Royal. I just think you're kind of a son of a bitch."

Royal: "Well, I really appreciate that."

Royal: "You know, Richie, this illness, this closeness to death... it's had a profound affect on me. I feel like a different person, I really do."

Richie: "Dad, you were never dying."

Royal: "But I'm going to live."

Chas: "I've had a rough year, dad."

Royal: "I know you have, Chassie."

Royal: "Everyone's against me."

Pagoda: "It's your fault, man."

Royal: "I know but dammit, I want this family to love me."

"Four minutes, forty-eight seconds. We're all dead. Burned to a crisp." - Chas

Eli: "I am very sorry, Margot."

Margot: "It's okay. We're not actually related anyway."

Eli: "True."

Richie: "Did you tell Margot about that letter I wrote to you?"

Eli: "Why? Did she mention it? Yes, I did. Why would have she repeated that, I wonder?"

Richie: "Well, I would ask you the same question."

Eli: "Rightly so."

Richie: "I have to tell you something..."

Margot: "What's that?"

Richie: "I love you."

Margot: "I love you, too."

Royal: "Margot Tenenbaum?"

Richie: "Yeah."

Royal: "Well, since when?"

Richie: "Since always."

Royal: "Does she know?"

Richie: "Uh-huh."

Royal: "Well, what does she feel about that?"

Richie: "I think she feels confused."

Royal: "Well, I can understand that, it's probably illegal!"

Richie: "I don't think so, we're not related by blood."

Royal: "That's true. It's still frowned upon. But then, what isn't these days, right?"

Chas: "Please don't get in the middle of this, Mr. Sherman. This is a family matter."

Margot: "Don't talk to him like that."

Henry Sherman: "Call me Henry."

Chas: "I prefer Mr. Sherman."

Ethel: "Call him Henry."

Chas: "Why? I don't know him that well."

Ethel: "You've known him for 10 years."

Chas: "As your accountant, Mr. Sherman, yes."

"Why would a reviewer make the point of saying someone's *not* a genius? Do you especially think I'm *not* a genius? You didn't even have to think about it, did you?"- Eli

Dudley Heinsbergen: "You wanna play some word games, or do some experiments on me or anything?"

Raleigh: "No."

Royal: "First thing I want to do is take you out to see your grandmother, at some point."

Richie: "I haven't been out there since I was 6."

Margot: "I haven't been out there at all, I was never invited."

Royal: "Well, she wasn't your real grandmother, and I never knew how much interest you had, uh, sweetie. Anyway, you're invited now."

Richie: "You know, Rachael's buried out there too."

Royal: "Who?"

Chas: "My wife."

Royal: "Oh, that's right, isn't it. Well, we'll have to swing by her grave too."

Raleigh: "Dudley suffers from a rare disorder combining symptoms of amnesia, dyslexia, and color-blindness, with a highly acute sense of hearing."

Dudley Heinsbergen: [from adjoining room] "I'm not color blind, am I?"

Raleigh: "I'm afraid you are."

Royal: [Points to Henry] "He's not your father."

Margot: "Neither are you."

Eli: "Did I hit the dog?"

Chas: "Yeah."

Eli: "Is he dead?"

Chas: "Yeah."

Eli: "I need help."

Royal Tenenbaum's epitaph: "Royal O'Reilly Tenenbaum 1932-2001 Died Tragically Rescuing His Family From The Wreckage Of A Destroyed Sinking Battleship"

"Royal Tenenbaum bought the house on Archer Avenue in the winter of his 35th year. Over the next decade, he and his wife had three children, and then they separated." - Narrator

Margot: [about Richie's suicide attempt] "Why'd you do it? Because of me?"

Richie: "Yeah, but it's not your fault."

Margot: "You're not going to do it again, are you?"

Richie: "I doubt it."

Uzi Tenenbaum: "Who's your father?"

Chas: "His name is Royal Tenenbaum."

Ari: "You told us he was already dead."

Chas: "Yeah, well, now he's really dying."

Richie: "I think he's very lonely. Lonelier than he lets on. Maybe lonelier than he even realizes."

Ethel: "Have you spoken to him about this?"

Richie: "Briefly. And he agreed that..."

Chas: "I'm sorry, maybe I'm a little confused here. What are you suggesting?"

Richie: "That he come here and stay in my room."

Chas: "Are you out of your mind?"

Richie: "No. I'm not. Anyway I think he'd be much more comfortable here than at..."

Chas: "Who gives a shit?"

Richie: "I do."

Chas: "You poor sucker. You poor, washed up papa's boy."

Chas: "Looks like you and Dad are back together again, huh."

Richie: "He's your dad too, Chas."

Chas: "No, he's not."

Richie: "Yes, he is."

Chas: "You really hate me, don't you?"

Richie: "No. I don't. I love you."

Chas: "Well, I don't know what you think you're gonna get out of this, but believe me, whatever it is, it's not worth it."

Richie: "Chas. I don't want to hurt you. I know what you and the boys have been through. You're my brother and I love you."

Chas: "Stop saying that!"

Raleigh: "Do you have an alternate?"

Priest: "No."

Raleigh: "Are there priests on call?"

Raleigh: "You've made a cuckold of me."

Margot: "I know."

Raleigh: "Many times over."

Margot: "I'm sorry."

Raleigh: "And you nearly killed your poor brother."

Ethel: "What's he talking about?"

Margot: "It doesn't matter."

Raleigh: "She's balling Eli Cash."

Ethel: "Raleigh says you've been spending 6 hours a day locked in here, watching television and soaking in the tub."

Margot: "I doubt that."

Ethel: "Well, I don't think that's very healthy, do you? Nor do I think it's very intelligent to keep an electrical gadget on the edge of the bathtub."

Margot: "I tie it to the radiator."

Eli: "I'm worried about you, Richie."

Richie: "Why?"

Eli: "Well, actually, Margot is, for some reason. But I did find it odd when you said you were in love with her. She's married you know."

Richie: "Yeah."

Eli: "And she's your sister."

Richie: "Adopted."

Royal: "Are you trying to steal my woman?"

Henry Sherman: "I beg your pardon?"

Royal: "You heard me, Coltrane."

Henry Sherman: "Coltrane?"

Royal: "What?"

Henry Sherman: "Did you just call me Coltrane?"

Royal: "No."

Henry Sherman: "You didn't?"

Royal: "No."

Henry Sherman: "Okay."

Royal: "But if I did... you wouldn't be able to do anything about it, would you?"

Henry Sherman: "You don't think so?"

Royal: "No, I don't."

Henry Sherman: "Listen, Royal, if you think you can just march in here..."

Royal: "You wanna talk some jive? I'll talk some jive. I'll talk some jive like you never heard!"

Margot: "You probably don't even know my middle name."

Royal: "That's a trick question. You don't have one."

Margot: "Helen."

Royal: "That was my mother's name."

Margot: "I know it was."

Peter Bradley: "Now, your previous novel..."

Eli: "Yes, Wildcat."

Peter Bradley: "Not a success. Why?"

Eli: "Well... Wildcat was written in a kind of obsolete vernacular..."

[long pause as he starts to become spaced out]

Eli: "Wildcat... wild... cat... pow... wildcat..."

Eli: "I'm gonna go. I'm taking this off and I'm going. Stepping out."

Royal: "What the hell kind of way to act is that?"

Richie: "He's on drugs."

Henry Sherman: "Pagoda has something to say."

Pagoda: "He has a cancer."

Henry Sherman: "No, he doesn't. I know what stomach cancer looks like. I've seen it. And you don't eat three cheeseburgers a day with french fries if you got it. The pain is excruciating."

Royal: "How would you know?"

Henry Sherman: "My wife had it. Not only is there no Dr. McClure at Colby General, there is no Colby General. It closed in 1974."

Royal: "Aw, shit, man."

Pagoda: "Oh, shit, man."

"Go Mordecai!" - Young Richie

Royal: "Chas has those boys cooped up like a pair of jackrabbits, Ethel."

Ethel: "He has his reasons."

Royal: "Oh, I know that, but you can't raise boys to be scared of life. You gotta brew some recklessness into them."

Ethel: "I think that's terrible advice."

Royal: "No, you don't."

"Look at that old grizzly bear." - Royal

Ethel: "Royal, this is Henry Sherman."

Royal: [shaking hands with him] "Hey, lay it on me, man."

Henry Sherman: "How do you do?"

Royal: "Not too well, I'm dying."

Ethel: "Were you part of this, Pagoda?"

Henry Sherman: "Of course he was."

Royal: "No... well, yeah, he was, but, I mean, he wasn't that involved."

Richie: "Read it back to me so far, Pietro."

Cote d'Ivoire Radio Operator: "Dear Eli, I'm in the middle of the ocean. I haven't left my room in four days. I've never been more lonely in my life, and I think I'm in love with Margot."

Richie: "New paragraph."

"The BB was still lodged between two knuckles in Chas's left hand." - Narrator

"Margot Tenenbaum was adopted at age 2. Her father had always noted this when introducing her." - Narrator

[After reading a private investigator's research on Margot's background, which reveals she's been a smoker since she was 12, she married a man in Jamaica at 19, has had numerous affairs and one-night stands with men and women, including Eli Cash] "She smokes." - Raleigh

Ari: "Were you in prison?"

Royal: "Kinda. Minimum security. I got jacked by the IRS. Shall we split?"

Ari: "Yes, sir."

Royal: "No, call me Mr. Tennenbaum."

Ari: "OK."

Royal: "Oh, I'm kidding. Call me Pappy."

Richie: "And I heard about Eli."

Margot: "I know. Poor Eli. Anyway, we mostly just talked about you."

Richie: "You did?"

Margot: "Yeah. I guess that was the attraction, if you know what I mean."