Harold and Maude

"I haven't lived. I've died a few times."

"I like you, Maude."

"I like you, Harold."

"Harold, everyone has the right to make an ass out of themselves. You just can't let the world judge you too much." - Maude 

"Consistency is not really a human trait."

Harold: "You sure have a way with people."

Maude: "Well, they're my species!"

"During war time, the national suicide rate goes down."

Maude: "I should like to change into a sunflower most of all. They're so tall and simple. What flower would you like to be?"

Harold: "I don't know. One of these, maybe."

Maude: "Why do you say that?"

Harold: "Because they're all alike."

Maude: "Oooh, but they're not. Look. See, some are smaller, some are fatter, some grow to the left, some to the right, some even have lost some petals. All kinds of observable differences. You see, Harold, I feel that much of the world's sorrow comes from people who are this, [she points to a daisy] Yet allow themselves be treated as that."

"I ask you though Harold, is it enough?" 

"You know, at one time, I used to break into pet shops to liberate the canaries. But I decided that was an idea way before its time. Zoos are full, prisons are overflowing... oh my, how the world still dearly loves a cage." - Maude

"Oh, Harold... That's wonderful. Go and love some more."

"Harold loves Maude."... and Maude loves Harold."

Psychiatrist: "Tell me, Harold, how many of these, eh, suicides have you performed?"

Harold: "An accurate number would be difficult to gauge."

Psychiatrist: "Well, just give me a rough estimate."

Harold: "A rough estimate? I'd say..... fifteen."

Psychiatrist: "Fifteen?"

Harold: "That's a rough estimate."

Psychiatrist: "Were they all done for your mother's benefit?"

Harold: "No. No, I would not say "benefit."

"Dreyfus once wrote from Devil's Island that he would see the most glorious birds. Many years later in Brittany he realized they had only been seagulls... For me they will always be - glorious birds." - Maude

Maude: "The earth is my body; my head is in the stars... Who said that, Harold?"

Harold: "I don't know."

Maude: "Well, I suppose I did, then."

"Dear me, everybody should be able to make some music. That's the cosmic dance."

"A lot of people enjoy being dead. But they are not dead, really. They're just backing away from life. Reach out. Take a chance. Get hurt even. But play as well as you can. 

Go team, go! Give me an L. Give me an I. Give me a V. Give me an E. L-I-V-E. LIVE! Otherwise, you got nothing to talk about in the locker room." - Maude

"A very common neurosis; particularly in this society, whereby the male child subconsciously wishes to sleep with his mother. Of course what puzzles me, Harold; is that you want to sleep with your grandmother." - Psychiatrist

"Vice, Virtue. It's best not to be too moral. You cheat yourself out of too much life. Aim above morality. If you apply that to life, then you're bound to live life fully." - Maude

Maude: "Harold, we have got to do something about this life."

Harold: "What?"

Maude: "We'll transplant it. To the forest."

Harold: "You can't do that."

Maude: "Why not?"

Harold: "This is public property."

Maude: "Well, exactly."

"The Computer Dating Service offers you at least three dates on the initial investment. They screen out the fat and ugly, so it is obviously a firm of high standards." - Mrs. Chasen

"Who sends dead flowers to a funeral? It's absurd."

Harold: "You hop in any car you want and just drive off?"

Maude: "Well, not any car - I like to keep a variety. I'm always looking for the new experience."

Harold: "Maybe.... Nevertheless, I think you're upsetting people. I don't know if that's right."

Maude: "Well, if some people get upset because they feel they have a hold on some things, I'm merely acting as a gentle reminder: here today, gone tomorrow, so don't get attached to things now. With that in mind, I'm not against collecting stuff."

"Don't get officious. You're not yourself when you're officious - That is the curse of a government job."

Maude: "I couldn't imagine a lovelier farewell!"

Harold: "Farewell?"

Maude: "Oh, yes, dear... My 80th birthday."

Harold: "But you're not going anywhere... are you?"

Maude: "I took the tablets an hour ago. I'll be gone by midnight."

Harold: "WHAT?"

"I suppose you think that's very funny, Harold... Oh, dinner at eight, Harold. And do try and be a little more vivacious." - Mrs. Chasen

Harold: "What were you fighting for?"

Maude: "Oh, big issues. Liberty. Rights. Justice. Kings died, kingdoms fell. I don't regret the kingdoms - what sense in borders and nations and patriotism? But I miss the kings."

Psychiatrist: "That's very interesting, Harold, and I think, very illuminating. There seems to be a definite pattern emerging. And, of course, this pattern, once isolated, can be coped with. Recognize the problem, and you are halfway on the road to its, uh, its solution. Uh, tell me, Harold, what do you do for fun? What activity gives you a different sense of enjoyment from the others? Uh, what do you find fulfilling? What gives you that... special satisfaction?"

Harold: "...I go to funerals."

Maude: "Hey, this old thing handles well! Ever drive a hearse Harold?"

Harold: "Yeah."

Maude: "Well! It's a new experience for me! Good on curves! Shall I take you home Harold?"

Harold: "Uh, this is my car."

Maude: "YOUR hearse?

Harold: "Yes hearse!"

Maude: "Ohh! Then YOU shall take ME home!"

"It's all memorabilia, but incidental and not integral, if you know what I mean." - Maude

"Do you... enjoy... knives?"

Harold: "So... you don't use the umbrella anymore? No more revolts?"

Maude: "Oh, yes! Every day. But I don't need a defense anymore. I embrace! Still fighting for the Big Issues, but now in my small, individual way."

"Grab the shovel, Harold."

"I would be remiss in my duty, if I did not tell you, that the idea of... intercourse - your firm, young... body... comingling with... withered flesh... sagging breasts... flabby b-b-buttocks... makes me want... to vomit." - Priest

Officer: "License, lady?"

Maude: "I don't have one. I don't believe in them."

Officer: "How long you been driving, lady?"

Maude: "About 45 minutes, wouldn't you say, Harold? We were hoping to start sooner but you see it's rather hard to find a truck."

Officer: "This your truck?"

Maude: "Oh no, I just took it."

"The two best wars this country ever fought were against the Gerrys. I say get the Krauts on the other side of the fence where they belong. Let's get back to the kind of enemy worth killing, and the kind of war this whole country can support." - Uncle Victor

Harold: "To pit your own life against another."

Victor: "Yes!"

Harold: "To kill. The taste of blood in your mouth."

Victor: "The moment of truce."

Harold: "Another man's life in your sights."

Victor: "Yes!"

Harold: "Shot! Will they really teach me to shoot?"

Victor: "Sure they will! A variety of weapons"

Harold: "To use a bayonet?" 

Victor: "Yes!"

Harold: "How about hand to hand combat? To strangle someone? Choke him. Squeeze out his life with your own bare hands? How about to slit his throat? Huh? You'd get to see the blood squirt out. How about souvenirs?"

Victor: "Souvenirs?"

Harold: "Of your kill. Eyes, ears, nose, scalp, privates."

"Well, what do you say, Harold? Ah, it's a great life. There's action, adventure, advising, and you'll get a chance to see the war first-hand. And there are plenty of slant-eyed girls. I'll make a man out of you, Harold. You'll travel the world, put on a uniform, and take on a man's job. You'll walk tall, with a glint in your eye and a spring in your step, and the knowledge in your heart that you are working for peace and are serving your country, just like Nathan Hale. Now, that's what this country needs - more Nathan Hales. And, Harold, I think I can see a little Nathan Hale in you." - Uncle Victor

Harold: "He's following us."

Maude: "Is he? Police always want to play games!"

Harold: "Maude."

Maude: "Hmm?"

Harold: "Do you pray?"

Maude: "Pray? No. I communicate."

Harold: "With God?"

Maude: "With life."